It’s episode five already, and hopefully by this stage Alan Carr has run out of gay-based puns.
Obviously if the men look at the male model’s cock, they are gay.
Sam is skirting around the issue of the lady-garden, and Sven is inspired by an episode of Buffy.
Sadly there’s no art to see here, move along sketching fans, there’s nothing for you. Mitch is one of the new ones from last week, and I never bothered to guess his orientation. Mitch doesn’t really seem to care either way, probably because being labelled gay when you are gay isn’t really a big deal. Mitch reckons Dean and Sven are gay and Danny is straight. Anyway, it’s time to move on with more pointless challenges and crying.
Now the half hour is up, Cara must choose a winner using the pictures to deduce who is gay. Predictably, this is where the boys get to drag up. On the plus side, some of these guys are going to make very pretty ladies. According to Alan, the WORSE you are at this, the more likely you are to be straight. Levi mimes along to ‘I Will Survive’, which I guess is pretty gay. Next up is Danny, who is so bad at applying lipstick that Mitch is probably right and he is straight, because all gay men wear lipstick, apparently. Ben wins the challenge because he is legitimately amazing and should probably take it up as a career.
Sam is eventually the winner for drawing the biggest pair of tits. Predictably, Cara gets all tearful and serious about it, instead of just deciding to eliminate one of the twins because they’re basically the same anyway. He wins time with Cara in order to attempt to persuade he has had a girlfriend. The only girlfriend related anecdote he could think of was that his ex used to cough like a camel.
He wins a pottery date with Cara that will be edited into a montage which makes it look like she is giving him a hand job. Finally she sobs her way to a decision, and the loser is…….. It’s the second elimination now, and if Cara doesn’t pick Ben then I will go back in time, go to Spain and scream ‘WHY?? Cara blames her decision on the drag queens that helped her to judge the challenge, even though they thought everyone was gay.It’s night time at the Hacienda, and Cara is having dinner with the boys. Then, in a ridiculous twist, it turns out there is no decision and this is one of those eliminations were no one leaves. Guess I’ll just have to put my gaydar back in its box until next week.Everything seems relaxed and lovely and the gang are playing ‘I have never.’ This is so heart-warming and charming… That’s right guys – there’s a surprise elimination in ten minutes. The nightmare is almost over; the horrifying conclusion is upon us. By this point in proceedings it is fairly obvious that it's all about the money, as there is zero chemistry between any of them. So far, Cara has thrown out five gays and four straights, suggesting that the finalists should be half and half.The finalists are Danny, Dean, Sam and the charming Sven.The morning following the last eviction Cara and the finalists gather to eat the breakfast of champions, which Jameela Jamil ruins by turning up to remind everyone that someone is gay.